One author and one publishing insider, Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman, have just released a guide for the perpetually unpublished, How Not to Write a Novel, filled with toe-curling examples of bad craft so uncomfortably recognizable, I think I’ll take up wood-turning. An extract, regarding plot and pacing was recently published in the Times, and the two authors have their own blog, tracking reviews and wallowing in their own wit. One might be tempted to smack them on the mouth for sounding just a tad full of themselves if only their advice wasn’t quite so on the mark: “In novels a pet should have as high a profile as an armchair,” “If there is a plan things should not go according to it,” “Know what the chase is, and cut to it.”